The Me YOU See…

February 3, 2016July 12, 2016 / One Scary Mom aka middleagedingenue / 3 Comments

The Me You See: Healthy, put-together, fun, happy, brave, or so she is told. Truth: Unwell, profoundly sad, terrified, unfulfilled. Results: Tries everything possible to stay out of the darkness, a lot of the time to no avail. Watches this video almost every day for inspiration and survival techniques.

The Me You See: Home-based freelance writer, creative soul, artist. Truth: She’s an unemployed writer/movie geek/whatever who still cannot find a focus or a satisfying outlet. Jack of all trades, master of none. Results– Feelings of worthlessness, unfinished business. Scatter-brained.

The Me You See: Introvert with a tendency to isolate. Truth: That is true, but add major depressive disorder and OCD to the mix. Results– Sorrow, loneliness, fixations, obsessions. Pays a stranger hundreds of dollars to listen to her talk and give her drugs.

The Me You See: Proud mother of an extremely intelligent and talented 15-year-old daughter. Truth: The Kid is all that and more, and that makes her feel inadequate as a parent – to have such a gifted child. Afraid that with her imperfections, she will screw up her kid. Results – To be determined. So far, so good.

The Me You See: Married for almost 18 years. Truth: Married for almost 18 years. Results – 15-year-old kid, home in the suburbs. Slightly spoiled. Family has suffered a huge upheaval and lifestyle change in the past 3 years. (Fuck you, Warner Brothers!) Not dealing well.

The Me You See: Nostalgic and sentimental. Truth: Melancholy, filled with regret and self-loathing for mistakes she made and things she was too cowardly to say or do. If she could have any super-power, it would be the ability to time travel. Can pinpoint to the day when it all started going to shit. Results: Spends too much time imagining an alternate past. Scenarios, dialogue, costume, background music – the total package – which makes her feel crazy, and angry, and sad. Furious that she can’t change and control what happened years ago, but finds a certain solace in the fantasy.

The Me You See: Bold, outspoken, honest, funny. Truth: That’s all true – behind the safety of a keyboard, and with her close friends and family. She thinks before she speaks. In person, she’s shy and soft-spoken. Hates confrontation but picks her battles. Funny in a dry, snarky, sarcastic way. Wants everyone to be safe, happy, and themselves. Results– People have been known to judge her too soon and think she’s arrogant. Her mouth sometimes gets her in trouble. Mostly, she’s proud of standing up for herself or others when she does. Very anxious in new situations.

The Me You See: “Somehow, things always work out. Think positive.“ Truth: . Things don’t always work out. Is a pretty decent actor. Avoids like the plague asking for help, especially when she needs it most. Wistful. Cries a lot. Results: Her insides don’t match her outsides. Escapes in film, music, and books. See also: Loneliness, despair.

The Me You See: Meticulous, fair-minded, perfectionist. Well-read, well-spoken, intelligent. Truth: Obsessive with writing, tenacious. Reads to escape. Always in her head. Results – She has learned a lot, some things she wishes she didn’t know. Can have issues with criticism. Do NOT call into question her intelligence, call her a fraud, or a cheater. Can be vengeful, if you’re worth the trouble. Can be a bitch when the occasions calls for a bitch.

The Me You See: Known for esoteric, cryptic social media posts. Truth: Cryptic posts usually mean she is muddling through darkness and is in pain. An inept attempt to reach out and tell others she’s suffering. Results – Nothing.

You don’t know me at all.

An Ingenue Review: The Babadook

April 17, 2015June 27, 2015 / One Scary Mom aka middleagedingenue / Leave a comment

I love indie film. I pride myself in finding those obscure gems to share. I am especially drawn the horror & thriller genres. The more twisted, twisty, confusing, confounding, the better. The kind of story where you wake up in the middle of the night, 3 days later, with an epiphany about a scene or a metaphor or a twist. Not gore or torture for the sake of gore and torture, but a work that makes you think.

I can’t stop thinking about The Babadook since I saw it earlier this week. The Babadook ticks all my boxes. It’s an Australian piece, written and directed by Jennifer Kent (girl power!), partially funded by Kickstarter, It stars Essie Davis as Amelia, the troubled and harried widow raising an equally troubled son. You might know Essie from the original, gritty, far superior Australian version of The Slap. The young and monstrously talented Noah Wiseman plays Sam, her six year old son whose behavioral issue are getting out of hand. Mark my words – you won’t be forgetting him any time soon.

Equal parts horror and psychological thriller, there isn’t a second in this film when you aren’t on the edge of your seat. It’s intelligent, thought-provoking, emotional, visually stunning, and superbly acted. Plus, it is streaming free on Netflix. Take my advice and watch it ASAP, then slither on over to the The Middle-Aged Ingenue Facebook page and we’ll discuss.

Have you ever liked a movie so much that you wish you hadn’t seen it? Simply for the joy and pleasure of being able to see it again for the first time. Films like that are few and far between. That’s what makes them so special. The Babadook is one of those films. Here’s the official trailer.

The Wormhole In My Kitchen

November 11, 2014November 20, 2014 / One Scary Mom aka middleagedingenue / Leave a comment

Standing in my kitchen, I had a random thought that made me feel like I was in a Hitchcock film. You know that push-pull camera effect (the dolly zoom) where it feels like things are zooming in and out at the same time? I lost my bearings. My knees buckled.

In a little over four years, my daughter and only child will no longer be living in our house. And she can’t wait.

Four years may seem like an eternity to a teenager, but to a parent, it’s the blink of an eye. It was just yesterday when I was dropping her off at preschool as we repeated our habitual leave-taking mantra. Her: “Mommies always come back?” Me: “Yes. Mommies always come back.” And that has been proven to her every day for the last 11 years.

It all goes by too fast. From baby to teen, from Montessori preschool to high school tours. We have stepped into a wormhole.

We’re discussing learning to drive, AP and IB classes, college prep and scholarships. Sex and relationships. Drinking. Drugs. Personal responsibility. Part of me longs for the days of Teletubbies, The Wiggles, and Spongebob. Part of me still wants to help her with her bath, pick out her clothes, and brush her hair every morning. I find myself looking back at those days more frequently, more fondly.

As with everything, these things fade. Nothing gold can stay. Already it’s a fate worse than death to have no plans on the weekend. Instead of being the smartest, coolest mom in the world, I’m finding I’m not so cool and actually kind of nerdy and goofy. A lot of things just aren’t my business anymore. When I try to participate in conversations with “the girls”, I can catch traces of sarcastic humoring in their voices. I recognize it because I invented it. I still have a decent fashion sense, however, so I do have that going for me.

But she still comes to me when she has a problem, is confused or sad, or wants to talk. She trusts me. She knows I’m not going anywhere. For that I am grateful.

We are in the process of raising an exceptional person. We have raised a daughter who is concerned about the issues that will affect her future and the futures of her peers. She’s informed and active in the causes she cares about. She’s intelligent, kind, fair-minded and independent. She’s excited about the diverse student body of her prospective high school. As much as I hate to relinquish control of anything, I’m beginning to realize that I’ll be comfortable with her generation in the driver’s seat.

She still knows that Mommies always come back. Here’s to hoping children always come back as well.