That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion. ~ R.E.M.

It has been a while since I escaped a nefarious little corner of hypocrisy, dysfunction and subtle abuse. Yet it has taken me this long to put fingers to keys and write about it. Now it is time. This is my testimony. Read this or not. It is my catharsis.  Perhaps you might glean something from my experience as well.

There are very few times in a person’s life when you stand before an altar and take a vow.  For me, that act has never been something to be taken lightly. One of those times is a wedding.  Another is when you vow to join, give of yourself, and pledge to be faithful to a principle, an institution, a family. You offer your gifts, service, your presence. You offer yourself.  As with a marriage, the dissolution of the bond is always painful and difficult, regardless of the underlying cause. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the same when you’ve been betrayed by the institution to which you pledged to be faithful.

What happens when the church is the unfaithful party in the relationship when they betray you?  How do you not feel forsaken and abandoned when you are attacked like a virus in the Body?

Of course, it changed me. It changed the way I think about some the most fundamental issues in life. Honesty. Trust. Friendship.Spirituality. Love. But change is good.

It changed the way I think about myself. Now I’m more careful, cautious, even skeptical. I have, once again, learned to trust my gut. Listen to my instincts. I smelled a rat early on. I just didn’t want to admit it. Justice, equality, authenticity, courage, personal conviction. They are higher priorities now.  I realize that Claire Boothe Luce was correct when she stated: “No good deed goes unpunished”.

But as much as it has altered my worldview, I can’t help but feel the pure joy of enlightenment, freedom, and clear sight.

I escaped via the high road.  I knew full well their plan. I had seen it unfolding for months. The devious, calculating, duplicitous scheming. Gossips, egomaniacs. bullies, manipulators, hypocrites. It is not unusual, so I’m told.

I was in a no-win situation.  I was marked.  So I quit.  I conceded.

When I say I quit, I mean I really quit. I washed my hands of all of it. It was the healthy thing to do, for myself; for my family.  There is nothing sacred about that place anymore, that situation.  Poisonous. Toxic.

Quitting ultimately turned out to be one of the wisest decisions of my life. I feel more liberated every single day.

I  escaped with the peace of mind of knowing that I walked out the door standing for what I know is right. I never lied. I was always honest and sought harmony. I did not see the point of attempts to placate evil. I’m proud of myself. For everything I did, every step of the journey.

I’m the fortunate one. I no longer have to live in a stagnant web of deceit, dysfunction, pride, and mendacity. I’m not snared in a saccharine tangle of my own design, knowing deep in the recesses of my soul that I have perpetuated and allowed a poison to seep into something that is meant to be good, kind, and caring.

I chose freedom and a new path. I no longer have to play the game. I suck at the game.  I get to be authentic.  I no longer have to bear witness to the playing of politics with other people’s lives, with what they hold most sacred.

My only regret is that I protected the bullies, my tormentors. By taking that higher road, they got their way.  It seemed easier at the time. And by that point, I needed to get out.

The experience was both liberating and heartbreaking, as are most growth experiences.

Another aspect I found surprising and interesting –  with the exception of a very, very select few, no one cared that I fled or really even noticed. Nor did they have the slightest clue of the reason. They never asked. They never cared. There’s a certain liberation in knowing that truth as well.

Let Karma do her job.  Everything in its time.  I was blind, but now I see.