WARNING TO THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH AND WHO ARE OFFENDED BY PROFANITY.

Undoubtedly, one of the most disgusting experiences of my life happened to me Valentine’s Day evening. I would not wish it on anyone, ever. Not even my worst (perceived) enemy.

The Set Up:

As you know, I am a sugar addict, am not supposed to over-indulge for health reasons, and try very hard to keep that beast under control. I didn’t buy candy or anything for Valentine’s day. Fruit salad with blood oranges. That was it.

The Kid had made some red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing to take to a sleep-over Saturday night.  There were some left and she brought those home.  Oh, I lusted after them all day.  Counting the minutes until I could grab one and cheat.  BIG mistake. Karma had other plans.

As I was getting ready to settle in with Downton Abbey and my beloved sugar and refined flour fix, I opened the cupcake carrier and stealthily grabbed one. Swipped my finger through the frosting and into my mouth it went.  Suddenly, I noticed there was a weird texture, almost something crunchy, like cellophane. THEN, the most disgusting taste I have ever experienced began to start creeping over my taste buds. Talk about immediate retribution for the sin of gluttony!

 Spit it out! Spit it out!

Guess what it was?  One of these motherfuckers!!!

A brown marmorated stink bug, to be exact. You think they smell bad, you should try crunching into one. (Gagging as I type this.)  Apparently, the cupcakes had been left sitting out and this little bastard had buried himself in the cream cheese frosting.  At least the little bugger died happy.

I, on the other hand, thought I was going to die and was anything but happy. Wretching, I ran upstairs, puked, and immediately began furiously brushing my teeth with every kind of toothpaste in the house, plus baking soda, peroxide, several kinds of mouthwash.  I almost used Scrubbing Bubbles. Nothing worked.  I chewed gum, the strong minty kind, mixed with probably half a box of wintergreen Altoids. Still nothing. I took a huge shot of Jack Daniels – that made it worse.

I started thinking about what the chemical compound of that poison might contain. It was acting almost like capsaicin – the element in hot peppers that milk or milk products will neutralize. I made a gigantic mug of hot chocolate with milk mixed with half and half.  I got my sugar after all.  Drank, swished, and gargled. Drank, swished, and gargled. Until it was done.  Praise be, it worked.  There was still a vague hint of that taste, but it was, for the most part, gone.

Later, I went upstairs to get ready for bed and the entire bathroom smell of that heinous, demonic stench. That is where the Scrubbing Bubbles with bleach came in.  I literally doused my bathroom in it.  Thank God, it exorcized the bathroom of the foul demon.  If I had only used that in my mouth, I could have saved myself a lot of pain, suffering, and wretching.

As I am prone to do, I had to research that little fucker on the internet to see if I needed to go have my stomach pumped or take an antidote.  Fortunately, the offender is not poisonous.  In fact, there are civilizations all over the world where those little fiends are actually a cultural part of their diet.  Take Mexico: on Dia de Jumil – the day after Dia de Los Muertos, it is a tradition for kids to collect them and everyone eat them. They say they’re an acquired taste. Personally, I would rather be one of the Los Muertos than have to go through that again.

Mexico is not alone in their questionable taste in cuisine. Stink bugs are eaten in Asia and Africa, as well as other places. National Geographic Magazine lists them as one of their Top 8 Edible Insects.  It does give one insight as to why some of those drinks at World of Coke are so freaking foul. Ugh!   Here’s what National Geo has to say:

I would not have thought. I would have thought they would have rapid weight loss properties if anything.

If some catastrophe befalls the Earth and insects are our only source of protein and/or a staple in our food supply, I’ll gladly be one of the first to go.  I’m a First World girl and very squeamish.  Won’t be eating a bite today, either.

I hope your Valentine’s Day was sweeter than mine.