The Creative Process, Whatever THAT Is

scribbles

 

If you are any type of artist or happen to be creative in any way, you have a process.  It might not be well-defined or obvious, and you may not even realize it, but it’s there.

Here’s the thing – nearly everyone is creative in some way.  I so envy those who can clean and organize a house in one day.  I’ll start something in one room, go into another, get distracted,  etc., etc. until the day is gone and nothing is done. I’m a Southern woman and I must admit that I could not grow a tomato or make a homemade biscuit if my life depended on it. Not for lack of trying, either.  What about people who work with numbers?  I cannot even wrap my brain around that concept. The art of small talk. Can’t do it, hate it. All of those things I just listed – art to me.

I’m a writer. I have also been dabbling in some found-object, mixed media visual art and painting.  Nevermind that I cannot draw a stick person. That’s not stopping me from trying.  After reading something I wrote last week, my husband suggested I try writing a song. Why not?  What could it hurt?

My writing process is painful and arduous and usually very time-consuming.  Writing a poem, for instance, is like chiseling a sculpture out of a block of marble.  The work starts out basically as a short story, a narrative of some sort, or in some cases, a novella.  A big  chunk of words.  At this time, I start the chiseling process – dividing into sections the parts of the story and arranging them into a coherent order.  Then, I find more concise ways to express the ideas. Weed out the ones that are redundant or unneeded, or takes the work where it doesn’t need to go. Distil those thoughts down to their essence. Sometimes I end up with a creature entirely different from my initial intention.  I love when that happens.

We have all heard those stories about songwriters waking up and jotting down a complete song in 10 minutes.  Or Stephenie Meyer’s story about writing the Twilight novels – they just came to her and poured out on the page. I’m going to have to take her word for that one. It is one of my life’s goals to never read a Twilight book or see any of the movies – nor will I ever go to Disney World. It’s personal. Just don’t, please.

Yeah, I’ve written some epic Facebook rants that just “poured out of me” and I’ve done some pretty swift typing to meet deadlines, but I am not so fortunate to have things simply fall out of my brain and onto the page. You should be grateful to me for that. Most of the time, what goes on in there is not for the faint of heart.

Here’s an example of an epic creative process. I have been volleying around a screenplay idea since I was in film school in the mid-1990s. Going on twenty years. The timing is perfect, in today’s society, for what would be my controversial independent thriller.  Why have I not completed it?  I dunno.  Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will flow.

Lately, I seem to be finding more inspiration from nature. I was finally doing some work in my backyard today. I got a great idea for a visual piece from decaying hosta leaves I found while raking out my flower beds. Laziness has its perks!  If you still have remains of last year’s plants lying around your yard,  take a look at their states of decomposition.  Today, I found more aesthetic and inspiration among the decay than in the fully grown plants.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so the saying goes.

Be your own beholder.

What Karma Fed Me On Valentine’s Day

 

WARNING TO THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH AND WHO ARE OFFENDED BY PROFANITY.

Undoubtedly, one of the most disgusting experiences of my life happened to me Valentine’s Day evening. I would not wish it on anyone, ever. Not even my worst (perceived) enemy.

The Set Up:

As you know, I am a sugar addict, am not supposed to over-indulge for health reasons, and try very hard to keep that beast under control. I didn’t buy candy or anything for Valentine’s day. Fruit salad with blood oranges. That was it.

The Kid had made some red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing to take to a sleep-over Saturday night.  There were some left and she brought those home.  Oh, I lusted after them all day.  Counting the minutes until I could grab one and cheat.  BIG mistake. Karma had other plans.

As I was getting ready to settle in with Downton Abbey and my beloved sugar and refined flour fix, I opened the cupcake carrier and stealthily grabbed one. Swipped my finger through the frosting and into my mouth it went.  Suddenly, I noticed there was a weird texture, almost something crunchy, like cellophane. THEN, the most disgusting taste I have ever experienced began to start creeping over my taste buds. Talk about immediate retribution for the sin of gluttony!

 Spit it out! Spit it out!

Guess what it was?  One of these motherfuckers!!!

stinkbug

A brown marmorated stink bug, to be exact. You think they smell bad, you should try crunching into one. (Gagging as I type this.)  Apparently, the cupcakes had been left sitting out and this little bastard had buried himself in the cream cheese frosting.  At least the little bugger died happy.

I, on the other hand, thought I was going to die and was anything but happy. Wretching, I ran upstairs, puked, and immediately began furiously brushing my teeth with every kind of toothpaste in the house, plus baking soda, peroxide, several kinds of mouthwash.  I almost used Scrubbing Bubbles. Nothing worked.  I chewed gum, the strong minty kind, mixed with probably half a box of wintergreen Altoids. Still nothing. I took a huge shot of Jack Daniels – that made it worse.

I started thinking about what the chemical compound of that poison might contain. It was acting almost like capsaicin – the element in hot peppers that milk or milk products will neutralize. I made a gigantic mug of hot chocolate with milk mixed with half and half.  I got my sugar after all.  Drank, swished, and gargled. Drank, swished, and gargled. Until it was done.  Praise be, it worked.  There was still a vague hint of that taste, but it was, for the most part, gone.

Later, I went upstairs to get ready for bed and the entire bathroom smell of that heinous, demonic stench. That is where the Scrubbing Bubbles with bleach came in.  I literally doused my bathroom in it.  Thank God, it exorcized the bathroom of the foul demon.  If I had only used that in my mouth, I could have saved myself a lot of pain, suffering, and wretching.

As I am prone to do, I had to research that little fucker on the internet to see if I needed to go have my stomach pumped or take an antidote.  Fortunately, the offender is not poisonous.  In fact, there are civilizations all over the world where those little fiends are actually a cultural part of their diet.  Take Mexico: on Dia de Jumil – the day after Dia de Los Muertos, it is a tradition for kids to collect them and everyone eat them. They say they’re an acquired taste. Personally, I would rather be one of the Los Muertos than have to go through that again.

Mexico is not alone in their questionable taste in cuisine. Stink bugs are eaten in Asia and Africa, as well as other places. National Geographic Magazine lists them as one of their Top 8 Edible Insects.  It does give one insight as to why some of those drinks at World of Coke are so freaking foul. Ugh!   Here’s what National Geo has to say:

Stinkbugs

If you can get past the funky smell, these insects apparently add an apple flavor to sauces and are a valuable source of iodine. They’re also known to have anesthetic and analgesic properties. Who would have thought?

I would not have thought. I would have thought they would have rapid weight loss properties if anything.

If some catastrophe befalls the Earth and insects are our only source of protein and/or a staple in our food supply, I’ll gladly be one of the first to go.  I’m a First World girl and very squeamish.  Won’t be eating a bite today, either.

I hope your Valentine’s Day was sweeter than mine.

 

 

Quit Your Meanness! And Trying To Politicize Andy Griffith, You Dumbasses!

I have made a concerted effort NOT to bring  political discussions to this forum.  In fact, that was the purpose of creating this blog.  This post, however, really isn’t about politics. It’s about how we, as a society, have sunk so low that we believe it is socially acceptable to be without common decency, speak before we think,  words do have consequences. In today’s America, it’s fine to stand without truth, kindness, and to be downright insulting. In fact, it’s admired and applauded. I’m sure all my nice friends, many who call themselves Christians, who shared the meme below never thought twice about it being offensive. But guess what?   It is. It offended me. And make the creator of it look pretty dumb.  It is full of false assumptions and hate.  Consider this post my community service for the week.

Consider this post my community service for the week.

This little clip has been making its way around Facebook. It’s an excerpt from The Andy Griffith Show about Opie wanting a bigger allowance and the importance of working for what you earn.  Something I think we all can agree upon, yes?

By the way, it was shared on Facebook by a page called Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children, which I find exceedingly ironic.  Especially after looking at the images and symbols on their page.
Watch:

Pretty standard scene from the show, right?  A lot of us grew up on these reruns and can quote them to this day. We felt like the Taylor family was our family.  We never (at least I didn’t) – in a million years – thought to use those little parables to divide, support blatant lies to further a hate-based agenda, and to insult a huge segment of the population, based on pure ignorance.  Many of those people you have insulted, you might even consider your friends.  Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Here is what makes this meme is so shameful and embarrassing.

This is the description posted under the video.

griffith

It’s blurry. Here’s what it says:

“This is the conversation liberals didn’t get growing up.”  Followed by some inane hashtags.

This is what I got from this shit-stirring post and the people who shared it. It leads me to believe that you all think Liberals (Democrats) were raised to have no work ethic, to have no respect for money, and generally are lazy, stupid, and want the government to support them.  Or else the whole post is racist dog-whistle talk.  Either way, it’s tacky, nasty, and uncalled for.  As a life-long Democrat from a proud family of fairly prominent Democrats,  I was not brought up in a wealthy family,  I started working at age 16, I skimped, scraped and saved for everything I have and still managed to pay back my student loans,  on time. The kind of ignorance communicated via this meme makes me angry, sad, and hopeless for the future of our country.

How DARE you judge an entire segment of the population based on biased bullshit? Talk about misguided. Those of you who have any sense know that crap isn’t true.

Usually, this is the point in my writing when I would inundate you with facts and statistics.  Actual facts and statistics.  But this time, I believe you can do that yourself.  A little hard work is good for you, and it pays off in the end, right? Just make sure your sources are legitimate. If you need help with that, let me know.

I will make these few brief points.

  • Government statistics show that most welfare recipients are white, Southern, and vote Republican.   Not Liberals, not minorities, but white Republicans.
  •  Statistics also reveal that the city holding the most beneficiaries of the SNAP program (food stamps – a favorite target of the GOP) is 99.22% white and 95% Republican. Owsley County, Kentucky earns the lowest median household income in the country, but they are the most prolific government-takers in U.S. existence.  Following the logic of the meme, are we to believe that this area in Kentucky is the epicenter of lazy, no-good, low-down, trifling white trash?
  • At least 1 million United States Veterans are on food stamps or some kind of public assistance. Do YOU want to be the one to tell them to get off their lazy asses and work harder?

No, I don’t know everything.  But the things I do know I hold close to my heart and try my best to practice them in everyday life. They are really pretty simple. Love one another, and love your neighbor as yourself.  To do what I can for “the least of these.” Think the best of people, to treat others with kindness and respect (until they prove to me they don’t deserve it.) That includes informing them if they’re wrong or hurting others, knowingly or unknowingly.

My greatest wish is for all of us to live in harmony, without want or need, to be healthy, and to be ourselves without judgment.  What has led me to these beliefs?  The teachings of Jesus – a big, honking, socialist liberal.

I also like the fact that Sherrif Andy didn’t carry a gun. But that’s another topic for another time.

Fashionistas Can Suck It

 

 

Uggs

Fashions come and fashions go. Being a 25-year-old in a none-of-your-business aged body, of course I want to be in style and not look like I shop in the Koret’s separates department. Nor do I want to look like a teen prostitute. It can be a fine line to walk.

If you follow trends, looks like this spring my beloved skinny jeans are going the way of the dinosaur, replaced by mom jeans (what sadist thought THAT was a good idea?) and bell bottoms (yes, I have already bought some).  But for the most part, you will still find me in my skinny jeans because 1) I’m short and they don’t swallow me or come up to my neck 2) they hug my legs, which are still in pretty good shape, and 3) they make my ass look great, if I do say so myself.  I’m way too old for those butt-cheek showing shorts that are everywhere in the summer. I never wore those when I could have pulled it off.  I’ll be sticking to my 5″ Old Navys and Gaps, thank you very much.  That’s pretty daring for most women my age.

I’m also very protective of my Uggs. Fashion “experts”, bloggers, and fashion magazines have for years been saying they’re not in style anymore. They’ve always said they’re ugly, unflattering, bulky unless you wear them with a mini-skirt and naked legs.  So now they tell us we’re all supposed to prance around in $1,000+ heels, regardless of the weather. Those fashionistas know nothing about living in the real world, apparently. It gets cold where I live. It snows where I live.  I don’t have a driver or a doorman, so you will never see me running errands in Blahniks, Zanottis, or Louboutins.  Actually, you will never see those on my feet. Even if I had an unlimited budget, there’s no way I would pay that much for a pair of shoes. Think of all the good that money could do put toward a worthy cause. Absurd!

You know what’s NOT in style – frost-bitten toes, bitches!

So, during the fall and winter, I will be sticking to my trusty Uggs. Granted they’re not glued to my feet – I’m still fashion-forward enough to follow trends within reason. But when there’s snow and slush on the ground and the temperature is in the teens, you can bet MY feet are going to be warm and toasty tucked into the luxurious, furry comfort of my Uggs. No magazine editor or red-carpet critic is going to shame me. Because I just don’t care.

Out of style or not -if you want me to stop wearing them, you will have to pry them off my snug and cozy dead feet. That’s MY kind of 2nd Amendment.

The Me YOU See…

 

ShadowWoman

 

The Me You See: Healthy, put-together, fun, happy, brave, or so she is told.  Truth: Unwell, profoundly sad, terrified, unfulfilled.  Results: Tries everything possible to stay out of the darkness, a lot of the time to no avail. Watches this video almost every day for inspiration and survival techniques.

The Me You See: Home-based freelance writer, creative soul, artist.  Truth: She’s an unemployed writer/movie geek/whatever who still cannot find a focus or a satisfying outlet. Jack of all trades, master of none.  Results– Feelings of worthlessness, unfinished business. Scatter-brained.

The Me You See: Introvert with a tendency to isolate. Truth: That is true, but add major depressive disorder and OCD to the mix.  Results– Sorrow, loneliness, fixations, obsessions. Pays a stranger hundreds of dollars to listen to her talk and give her drugs.

The Me You See: Proud mother of an extremely intelligent and talented 15-year-old daughter. Truth: The Kid is all that and more, and that makes her feel inadequate as a parent – to have such a gifted child.  Afraid that with her imperfections, she will screw up her kid.  Results – To be determined. So far, so good.

The Me You See: Married for almost 18 years. Truth: Married for almost 18 years.  Results – 15-year-old kid, home in the suburbs. Slightly spoiled. Family has suffered a huge upheaval and lifestyle change in the past 3 years. (Fuck you, Warner Brothers!) Not dealing well.

The Me You See: Nostalgic and sentimental. Truth: Melancholy, filled with regret and self-loathing for mistakes she made and things she was too cowardly to say or do.  If she could have any super-power, it would be the ability to time travel. Can pinpoint to the day when it all started going to shit. Results: Spends too much time imagining an alternate past. Scenarios, dialogue, costume, background music – the total package – which makes her feel crazy, and angry, and sad. Furious that she can’t change and control what happened years ago, but finds a certain solace in the fantasy.

The Me You See: Bold, outspoken, honest, funny.  Truth: That’s all true – behind the safety of a keyboard, and with her close friends and family.  She thinks before she speaks. In person, she’s shy and soft-spoken. Hates confrontation but picks her battles. Funny in a dry, snarky, sarcastic way.  Wants everyone to be safe, happy, and themselves. Results– People have been known to judge her too soon and think she’s arrogant.  Her mouth sometimes gets her in trouble. Mostly, she’s proud of standing up for herself or others when she does. Very anxious in new situations.

The Me You See: “Somehow, things always work out. Think positive. Truth: . Things don’t always work out. Is a pretty decent actor.  Avoids like the plague asking for help, especially when she needs it most. Wistful. Cries a lot. Results: Her insides don’t match her outsides. Escapes in film, music, and books. See also: Loneliness, despair.

The Me You See: Meticulous, fair-minded, perfectionist. Well-read, well-spoken, intelligent. Truth: Obsessive with writing, tenacious. Reads to escape. Always in her head. Results – She has learned a lot, some things she wishes she didn’t know.  Can have issues with criticism. Do NOT call into question her intelligence, call her a fraud, or a cheater. Can be vengeful, if you’re worth the trouble. Can be a bitch when the occasions calls for a bitch.

The Me You See:  Known for esoteric, cryptic social media posts. Truth: Cryptic posts usually mean she is muddling through darkness and is in pain.  An inept attempt to reach out and tell others she’s suffering.  Results – Nothing.

 

You don’t know me at all.

 

 

 

 

Living in A Millennial World, When You’re Not A Millennial Girl

wonka

I fall into the Gen X category. Although I would gladly go back to the 1990s, I try to stay in the loop with today’s pop culture. I listen to new music, watch cool films and t.v., try to keep up my cyber-skills, and am versed in various types of social media. Yes, I can carry on an intelligent conversation with a Millennial.  At least, I think so. They’re probably mocking me behind my back.

Generation X. I used to be proud to be part of that demographic. Today, it simply translates to old. No longer relevant. My ways are antiquated. I am middle-aged. Past my prime.

The curse of death.

I notice the difference most when I consider the workplace. I am of that generation who believes an employee should be rewarded for loyalty, longevity, a job well done. Trained thoroughly on company procedures. Given chances to falter and count those experiences toward learning. From my experience, those traits are no longer valued. You’re hired because you have experience and you’re good at what you do. The employer basically tells you what you want to hear – that this is a huge opportunity, and as their fledgling company grows, there will be a place for you doing exactly what you are best suited to do. You’re getting in on the ground floor. That’s the bait, You naively bite, innocently believing that what people say is the truth. You take the job, work your ass off for an insulting amount of money, hoping for that growth and the position you were promised. Instead, you gradually get pushed further and further to the back of the line, notice that there’s less and less opportunity, less respect. More and more younger people are hired, coming in as your superior. You get passed over for promotions, other positions. Because you’ve been in the workforce for years, or maybe you’re just intuitive,  you know exactly what they’re doing. You can see the writing on the wall. They are looking for reasons to boot you. Something that won’t get them sued, but neither of you can concretely prove. They’re devious and smart that way. They’re systematically pushing you out. Your usefulness and time have expired. Then, it’s just over. No hard feelings, good luck. You find the exact same approach was taken with other former co-workers. Apparently, that’s how those things are done these days. It still boggles my mind.

It is also a relief, being out of an environment where you’re not respected, encouraged, valued. It’s a soul-crushing learning experience.

Old folks like me aren’t used to changing jobs every year. There used to be a stigma attached to that. Now I see that it’s actually the norm. Especially if your superiors and coworkers are younger. Millennials. It’s how most of them operate. There’s always something better around the corner, short-lived as it might be. And after that ends -another opportunity. Ad nausem.  Patching together a career. Or they come in, straight out of college, making obscene amounts of money.

Thing is, Gen Xers can’t move back in with their parents when they are “in between jobs”. A lot of us have families and children, schedules we have to work around. We have mortgages, our families need insurance, we want to be able to retire at some point. Being aged out of the new workforce, there’s no guarantee that we will even secure another position. Certainly not one like we had 15 years ago.

We, the Gen Xers and older, simply view employment in a different way.

We expect too much. Like decent pay for decent work, respect, leadership from our superiors, some security, and a little mutual trust.

Those days are gone.

The lesson I’ve learned: either you change or get left behind. Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse. Sell your soul to the 20-something Devil, work for a pittance, and expect the axe to drop any time – or – what? Go on public assistance? Be a part-time greeter at Walmart? What ARE our choices?

It’s a bitch when the bratty kids you used to babysit are in the authority positions.

Oh, how I wish I could still put them in time out.

 

 

 

Have Yourself A Merry Little Cocktail. Then Mix One For Me -A Festive Rant

I’m doing rewrites on classic holiday songs…..

Nope

Not really.  But I am finally coming out. I’m letting the world know my secret.

< deep breath>

I hate Christmas.

With the white hot intensity of one thousand suns. There are so many reasons. First of all, I can barely get through the stresses of a normal day – add to that all the extras that have to get done during the holiday season, and I am the Grinch +Scrooge x Elmira Gulch.

I’m Santa’s Little Bitchface.

It hasn’t always been this way. Of course, like any child, I loved Christmas. Now I know that was because I didn’t have to do jack shit but stay home from school, eat tons of food made by possibly the two best cooks in the universe, open presents, and play with my friends and new toys.

I loved Christmas when The Kid was small and she was so excited about everything. I decorated every room. Outside as well. Front and back. Put up 4 trees. Mantel, staircase,  you name it. Hosed down with the Christmas spirit.  The Kid loved it. She did NOT, however, tolerate the Mall Santa.  Avoided him like the plague. Didn’t trust him.  Thought he was pervy she later told me. So no Santa’s lap photos.

Now she’s a very sensitive, highly intelligent, goth-ish, teen-aged writer who wants only iTunes cards and money. Still wants the tree, though. So there’s still a spark of hope that she doesn’t turn out like Mom.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love the spirit of giving, sharing, kindness, and gratitude and the nostalgia the season brings. Honestly, though, if you look around, that is in pretty short supply.  There are assholes everywhere, and not just during The Season.  And I can’t whip up holiday cheer for everyone, now can I?

 

spoileralert

Everywhere!

 

As the years go by, times change. Roles change. Circumstances change. Attitudes as well.

My husband’s Christmas duties have always consisted of dragging the fake tree from the closet and hauling it out of the box. He puts up the stand, attaches the top half of tree to bottom half of tree. Plugs it into the power strip. And he gets out the boxes of decorations from storage for me. He purchases my gift online, so he’s finished shopping. Done. Off to watch football, basketball, hockey, Greco-Roman wrestling, whatever competition is on at the time.

Every other Christmas-y thing is done by yours truly.  All of it. From fluffing the limbs on the fake tree (or as we call it “ecologically friendly”) that has been crammed into a box for a year, to all the lists, scheduling, and planning. Christmas cards, cooking, gift ideas, shopping, wrapping, decking and undecking the halls. And there are always those last minute odds and ends. Plus, The Kid is home and sooooo boarddddd!

The truth is I’m too old for this shit.

 Things I Literally Cannot With Christmas

  • Radio and Retail Christmas Music – Those god forsaken stations that play constant holiday tunes from Thanksgiving until well into the New Year. They always rotate the same 20 songs, recorded by every musician – living or dead.   I swear to god they have 250 renditions of Sleigh Ride and they play one every other song. After about 10 minutes, I want to gore Santa in the gut with a reindeer rack.
  • That “War on Christmas” bullshit that Fox “news” created and the gullible  “victims” who lap up. It never fails to pop up every freaking year. Listen to me and listen to me GOOD. When I no longer see Christmas shit in stores in SEPTEMBER, then talk to me about a goddamn war on Christmas. And this year, bless your hearts, your fake War on Christmas outrage should be the least of you worries. Get over it! Jesus can take care of himself. He doesn’t need your help. Now, make yourself useful and find me a parking spot at the mall, bake me some cookies, and a festive cocktail would be nice, thanks.
  • Same with the “Putting Christ back in Christmas” crap. Fine. Just put your money where your nonsense yammering mouth is.  I hate to break it to you, but Christmas is essentially a pagan holiday. Read a freaking book, why don’t you?  Start with the Bible’s conflicting stories about the  birth of Christ – read those.

sign

  • The same with that “We say Merry Christmas” absurdity.  My thought –  say whatever you want. I support the First Amendment and will embrace it as long as it’s still part of our Constitution, which may not be much longer.  But don’t expect me to respond in kind. You should be elated if I even make eye contact this time of year. Because of this manufactured outrage, you will NEVER get a “Merry Christmas” out of me. You have ruined that greeting. We say Happy Holidays, if you’re lucky and catch me in a good mood. Because, guess what?  Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Shocking, I know.  Because we, being Southern and enjoying our economic phrases, think saying Happy Holidays is more efficient and covers more ground – Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Solstice, Boxing Day, and the New Year.
  • The unmitigated greed.  Put Christ in Christmas, my ass.  Who took him out in the first place?  Until there are no more Black Friday Walmart brawls or mobs at the mall from Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve, scrounging and fighting over junk made overseas by exploited children who work for pennies a day, then shut up.  It’s sickening (and NOT in the spirit of Christ) to see people spending so much money they don’t have on so many things they don’t need when so many people do without everyday necessities. How about giving to those who really need help?  What would Jesus do?  I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be punching a complete stranger over some cheap Walmart towels, standing in line at Old Navy for 45 minutes to buy a $10 sweater,  or going into debt over a $400  F-15 ride-on toy.
  • Other People’s Shitty Decorations – You know those people who just sling lights willy nilly on their leafless trees? Lazy asses. When the lights are plugged in, they look like a lazy ass just slung up lights willy nilly.  I also hate those damned inflatables. That, my friends, is cheating. And could someone PLEASE tell me what in hell Disney characters have to do with Christmas?  And explain to me the people who dress up their vehicles to resemble reindeer?  I’m at a loss.
  • I hate decorating. Going through all those boxes, sorting, placing. Then, a few weeks later, taking them all down, wrap them, sort them, and place them back in the boxes. The dog is the only one in the house who seems remotely interested in the process, and I know it’s because some of his ornaments are made out of Milk Bones.
  • I hate all the sweets. I am an admitted sugar addict.  I do pretty well controlling my addiction on my own, but my mother may as well be a drug dealer – she’s the Walter White of Christmas goodies. She makes at least 3 kinds of fudge, bourbon balls, chocolate covered cherries, date balls, at least 4 varieties of cookies,  and several cakes. Plus, the woman is an extraordinary cook. She is evil. Get behind me, Satan!
  • The Marathon – We live 90 minutes from my family. On the 23rd, we all go up (and I mean all – me, my husband and kid, my brother, another brother, his wife and two boys. Plus four dogs. And the parents.  Ten people all cram into our small family home, sleeping anywhere we can find a spot. Then we all get up and have “Christmas Morning” just like we did when we were 9, 7, and 1. Or at least my mom thinks that’s how it is. We do it for her, because we love her and want her to be happy. Later that day, it being Christmas Eve, we drive back home, eat our traditional meal of homemade nachos, have our always-abbreviated family gift exchange, and sometimes we watch a classic horror film. Rosemary’s Baby is my personal favorite. Up early Christmas morning, and back on the road for the extended family celebration and meal at noon. Then back home. Again. By now we have made that 90 minute trek four times. It is at this point when I usually cut myself off from civilization and hunker in a corner with Netflix, the left-over tortilla chips, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, rocking and muttering to myself.

However, it’s a love/hate relationship we have, me and Christmas.  Well, just me. 

  • About that ubiquitous holiday music – sometimes I catch myself singing along. Especially to the Carpenter’s Merry Christmas, Darling.  Don’t tell anyone, but I can nail that song, if I can make it through without crying.
  • I actually like the history of how Christmas came to be celebrated. It gives me hope knowing that two vastly different religions could come together to create one holiday that encompasses both their traditions. You may say I’m a dreamer…
  • I really like shopping, as long as someone else drives.  Also because I usually follow the “One for you, one for me” shopping format.
  • I enjoy admiring other people’s decorations and all the effort they put into their displays.  Actually, it’s a family tradition to drive around listening to holiday music and admiring all that hard work and creativity. But not the inflatables. I draw the line.
  • I love that the Dude likes to hang out with me and sniff the tree and all the decorations. I know he’s remembering.  It’s like having a perpetual 3-year-old. I also love those precious, quiet moments when The Kid and I sit by the tree with the lights out. We actually talk and bond and I wouldn’t trade those times for anything.
  • Cooking is my mother’s way of showing love. And she really loves us.  I always end up eating the sweets anyway, and feeling like shit when my blood sugar goes haywire. But it’s once a year, right?  And who among us can resist homemade boiled custard and bourbon?
  • Our family is very fortunate to be so large and so close. Everyone loves each other, gets along well, and no one fights or gets drunk and makes a spectacle of themselves. Unless politics comes up in conversation. Then I cannot take responsibility for my behavior.
  •   Elf We watch religiously, as well as the Christmas Story marathon on TBS. We’ll  also be adding Krampus to the list.  I’m also partial to the obscure HBO special, Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.  It’s a sweet, backwoods retelling of O’Henry’s The Gift of the Magi.  Watch it on Amazon Prime for free. There is also a special place in my heart for The Homecoming the Waltons’ introduction to network t.v. They showed it every Christmas Eve when I was a kid.  It’s rare to find it these days. We have a VHS copy.  It’s touching and highly quotable.

While there are many aspects of the holiday season that do pluck my last nerve, I’m still not so cynical and jaded that I can’t extract some joy from all the commercialized, blasphemous chaos. I have not yet gone full-on Ebenezer.

Cheers and Happy Holidays!

And Cheers!

Losing My Religion

 Devil's chapel meme

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion. ~ R.E.M.

It has been a while since I escaped a nefarious little corner of hypocrisy, dysfunction and subtle abuse. Yet it has taken me this long to put fingers to keys and write about it. Now it is time. This is my testimony. Read this or not. It is my catharsis.  Perhaps you might glean something from my experience as well.

There are very few times in a person’s life when you stand before an altar and take a vow.  For me, that act has never been something to be taken lightly. One of those times is a wedding.  Another is when you vow to join, give of yourself, and pledge to be faithful to a principle, an institution, a family. You offer your gifts, service, your presence. You offer yourself.  As with a marriage, the dissolution of the bond is always painful and difficult, regardless of the underlying cause. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the same when you’ve been betrayed by the institution to which you pledged to be faithful.

What happens when the church is the unfaithful party in the relationship when they betray you?  How do you not feel forsaken and abandoned when you are attacked like a virus in the Body?

Of course, it changed me. It changed the way I think about some the most fundamental issues in life. Honesty. Trust. Friendship.Spirituality. Love. But change is good.

It changed the way I think about myself. Now I’m more careful, cautious, even skeptical. I have, once again, learned to trust my gut. Listen to my instincts. I smelled a rat early on. I just didn’t want to admit it. Justice, equality, authenticity, courage, personal conviction. They are higher priorities now.  I realize that Claire Boothe Luce was correct when she stated: “No good deed goes unpunished”.

But as much as it has altered my worldview, I can’t help but feel the pure joy of enlightenment, freedom, and clear sight.

I escaped via the high road.  I knew full well their plan. I had seen it unfolding for months. The devious, calculating, duplicitous scheming. Gossips, egomaniacs. bullies, manipulators, hypocrites. It is not unusual, so I’m told.

I was in a no-win situation.  I was marked.  So I quit.  I conceded.

When I say I quit, I mean I really quit. I washed my hands of all of it. It was the healthy thing to do, for myself; for my family.  There is nothing sacred about that place anymore, that situation.  Poisonous. Toxic.

Quitting ultimately turned out to be one of the wisest decisions of my life. I feel more liberated every single day.

I  escaped with the peace of mind of knowing that I walked out the door standing for what I know is right. I never lied. I was always honest and sought harmony. I did not see the point of attempts to placate evil. I’m proud of myself. For everything I did, every step of the journey.

I’m the fortunate one. I no longer have to live in a stagnant web of deceit, dysfunction, pride, and mendacity. I’m not snared in a saccharine tangle of my own design, knowing deep in the recesses of my soul that I have perpetuated and allowed a poison to seep into something that is meant to be good, kind, and caring.

I chose freedom and a new path. I no longer have to play the game. I suck at the game.  I get to be authentic.  I no longer have to bear witness to the playing of politics with other people’s lives, with what they hold most sacred.

My only regret is that I protected the bullies, my tormentors. By taking that higher road, they got their way.  It seemed easier at the time. And by that point, I needed to get out.

The experience was both liberating and heartbreaking, as are most growth experiences.

Another aspect I found surprising and interesting –  with the exception of a very, very select few, no one cared that I fled or really even noticed. Nor did they have the slightest clue of the reason. They never asked. They never cared. There’s a certain liberation in knowing that truth as well.

Let Karma do her job.  Everything in its time.  I was blind, but now I see.

Across The Universe

namaste

Of course we are aware of the concept of “putting things out into the Universe”. Sending out positive energy, t. You might also say you are giving it to God.  Praying. Meditating.  Call it what you will.  I believe it’s all the same action and serves the same purpose.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me…

Myself, having arrived at my spiritual beliefs by way of a rough and rugged road. I prefer to light a candle and waft those weighty concerns, aspirations, yearnings, and gratitude like a transcendent mist into the vast, great ether of mystery.  To be quiet, still.  To visualize the results. To listen. Those actions provide me with a sense of peace and an awareness that I’m not alone and my longings aren’t simply falling upon deaf ears. They have a destination. Where their journey ends, I may never know.  But that isn’t important to me.  It’s the interaction with the Great Unknown, the Universe, that fortifies me.

Manifesting a reality. That on which you focus expands. That is the end-game for all of this, right?  The goal. The reason we believe in something greater than ourselves. We are all connected.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe…

Do you believe that we ultimately get what we give?  That you reap what you sow?  In karma?  That the energy we expend to the wider world and beyond comes back to us in some form, at some point?  That which we don’t understand is still an answer; sometimes it comes in the form of a lesson. Let’s tune in and pay attention. Imagine if we saw each obstacle, as well as each other, as an opportunity to learn, grow, and love. Easier said than done, trust me.  I’m no where near mastering that challenge.  I am still a child.  But it’s what we all strive for.  Something, a desire, a goal, a hope for another is put on your heart.  How do you accomplish what is seemingly impossible?

I find myself cyclically fighting the same inner battles and struggling with some of the same issues, time and time again.   All we can do is to keep trying. Trust ourselves and listen to our instincts, our hearts, the collective consciousness. To have an open heart and an open mind.  Focus on the positive. Do good in the world. Desire the change. Visualize, manifest.

Let go.

Something’s gonna change your world.  I know it.

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on, across the universe

*With all love and respect to the great John Lennon, I prefer the Rufus Wainwright version.  It’s so impactful and visually stunning.

An Ingenue Review: The Babadook

Ba ba dook dook dook. I love indie film. I pride myself in finding those obscure gems to share.  I am especially drawn the horror & thriller genres. The more twisted, twisty, confusing, confounding, the better. The kind of story where you wake up in the middle of the night, 3 days later, with an epiphany about a scene or a metaphor or a twist.  Not gore or torture for the sake of gore and torture, but a work that makes you think.

I can’t stop thinking about The Babadook since I saw it earlier this week. The Babadook ticks all my boxes.  It’s an Australian piece, written and directed by Jennifer Kent (girl power!), partially funded by Kickstarter,  It stars Essie Davis as Amelia, the troubled and harried widow raising an equally troubled son. You might know Essie from the original, gritty, far superior Australian version of The Slap. The young and monstrously talented Noah Wiseman plays Sam, her six year old son whose behavioral issue are getting out of hand.  Mark my words – you won’t be forgetting him any time soon.

Equal parts horror and psychological thriller, there isn’t a second in this film when you aren’t on the edge of your seat.  It’s intelligent, thought-provoking, emotional, visually stunning, and superbly acted.   Plus, it is streaming free on Netflix. Take my advice and watch it ASAP,  then slither on over to the The Middle-Aged Ingenue Facebook page and we’ll discuss.

Have you ever liked a movie so much that you wish you hadn’t seen it?  Simply for the joy and pleasure of being able to see it again for the first time. Films like that are few and far between.  That’s what makes them so special.  The Babadook is one of those films. Here’s the official trailer.