So, Google, in its infinite wisdom, deleted my
entire blog
last fall without
one
single
word
of notification.
Luckily, I was able to salvage some of the entries.
I’m posting highlights below.
That’s why I’m now here on WordPress with the second coming of bigandtall.
Hopefully they won’t be so rude.
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Breaking Up is Hard to Do
September, 2009
I’m seriously considering breaking up with someone. Lots of people, actually. And the timing is a bit unfortunate. It’s almost our one-year anniversary. As much as I hate to admit it, I have come to the painful realization that I am in a dysfunctional relationship. With Facebook.
In its initial phases, my relationship with FB was wonderful. I thought about FB all the time. I wanted to spend every possible minute with FB. I was giddy with the possibilities for our future. FB allowed me to reconnected with old friends and make some great new ones. It was how I communicated with almost everyone, near and far. I liked the person I became when I was with FB. It allowed me, in effect, to reinvent myself. I didn’t have to be the shy, insecure band geek I was in high school. I could be the real me. I was outgoing, friendly, and fun. I was popular. Yep, I was hooked. I was in love.
While still in the honeymoon phase, I was presented with the occasional “alarming little sign”. Signs I chose, for the most part, to ignore. Perhaps some of my “friends” were not as I had remembered them. (Or maybe they were and I was the one who had changed.) I deleted my first “connection” in November 2008. Although I wrestled with it, I decided it was the right thing to do. Matter settled. Things with FB sailed along smoothly again for a while. Then, the patina really began to wear off. FB started exhibiting disturbing behavior. Little “red flags” would pop up here and there – “ Hmmm, that’s not a very nice thing to say” and “This must be a joke, right?” were thoughts I would occasionally have. (Codependency indicator # 1: I was rationalizing.) Slowly but surely, FB started getting really bold. I was being exposed to offensive things. Narrow-minded, misguided, judgmental things. Bigoted, racist things. Posts that were borderline blasphemous and over-the-line hypocritical. Some were just down-right scary. And my favorite, the good ol’ personal attack. I started thinking that either FB had multiple personalities (a Bad Side) or it had allowed its loud, obnoxious cousin, the Black Sheep of the family, to move in and start “running the show”. Whatever it was, the BS was abusive.
During this phase, I just dealt with the BS. Tried to ignore it. I used the delete and hide options. Oh, but FB would apologize for the BS – do kind, sweet things to get me to forgive it – Living Social, Virtual Bookshelf, writing groups, games. My friends and family were part of FB, after all. But the BS was still there.
Lurking, waiting.
The BS tried to manipulate me. “People have a right to their opinions.” “You’re just too sensitive. Let it go.” , it would say. The BS was trying to make me believe my discomfort with its inappropriate behavior was MY fault. (indicator #2 – deflecting & projecting) Buying into the trickery, I would issue calls for peace, mutual understanding, and civility. But yeah, that didn’t work. It only served to strengthen the BS. I found myself dreading even logging onto FB, knowing that the BS would inevitably be there taunting me from the daily news feeds. I started believing I could fight back. I fell into the age-old trap of thinking I could change the BS. (indicator #3 ) I tried to reason with the BS; tried to introduce to it another way of thinking. But I was beating my head against a virtual wall. The BS was intransigent.
Depression set in. I had trouble sleeping. I wasn’t eating (and if you know me, you know this is alarming). I was stressed out. (indicator #4) I also realized that I was spending a good part of my time with FB not only avoiding the BS, but trying not to offend it – censoring myself, editing myself, compromising myself. (indicator #5 -enabling) I was standing by while the BS went about its bashing and bullying. I was guilty by association. That was the source of my depression – anger turned inward is a sickening feeling. At this point, I thought “I’ll just give the BS a taste of its own medicine”. I began trying to use its tactics against it, but in clever, creative ways. FYI: sarcasm, irony, subtlety – lost on the BS. So are facts and common sense, for that matter. I wanted to get back at the BS. I wanted revenge. But no matter what I did, l felt furious and powerless. (indicator #6) And the BS just kept getting stronger and uglier. Something had to change.
Finally, it dawned on me – I was in a codependent relationship with Facebook! How had I not seen this before? My relationship with Facebook was unhealthy. I was exhausted, wounded, and needed to back off. Reappraise. To see if there was anything left that might be salvageable.
Luckily, (because I have been down this road before), I remembered the trusty Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
So here we are. As a life-long proponent of free speech, my dilemma is two-fold: First of all, what exactly defines the difference between the ”colorful expression of opinion” and hate speech? Secondly, is there anything wrong with righteous anger and indignation? Conceding, capitulating -aren’t those just ways of condoning the behavior and furthering the agenda? Isn’t silence a sin of omission? By not speaking up against the BS, I felt like I was back in middle school. Watching a bully vilify and defame someone who isn’t there to defend himself. And somewhere, wrapped up in all the BS’s trash-talk, I was being insulted as well. (Yeah, it was personal.) If I stood by and did nothing, I was just as culpable as the bully. The twist: the bully was supposed to be my friend. Just like middle school. (sigh….)
I’m wrestling now with these questions: Should hate-speech on Facebook be protected under the 1st Amendment? Should hate speech on TV, on the radio, anywhere, be protected under the 1st Amendment? Should one be able to draft her own “personal Constitution”, deciding what she will and will not allow in her life? (Me, the people…) What is our responsibility when it comes to standing up against hate speech, lies, or just plain ignorance? Are Facebook and other social networking sites really the venue for potentially inflammatory and/or divisive discussions and posts?
As it stands, FB and I are still officially “on a break” (holla, Geller!*). I’m still not sure if or when I’ll come back to FB. But rest assured, if I do, it will be strictly on MY terms. FB is going to have to clean up its act; go to rehab. We have to kick the BS to the curb, damn the torpedoes. FB, in its current state, is not worthy of me. I deserve better. This will entail the proverbial “laying down of the law”. No more racial slurs. No more distortions of the truth. No more hypocrisy, hatred, or fear-mongering. No more demonization of entire political parties and populations of people. (How’s that for alliteration? Too much, I know.) At least not where I have to see them. I’m a big girl now. It’s time to stand proud and tall. I have the right to be respected and to surround myself with respectable people. It’s my right to be selective in the company I keep, even if it is via the internet. So f*#@ing what if the BSers don’t like me, what I believe, or what I have to say. My real friends do, even if we don’t always agree (and we don’t). I may not be able to change the world, but I can change my little piece of it.
That’s why I’m telling Facebook “It’s my way, or the (information)
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Do these shoes go with ambivalence?
July, 2011
“It’s never safe to be nostalgic about something until you’re absolutely certain there’s no chance of its coming back.” ~ Bill Vaughn
To say I have mixed feelings is an understatement.
I have a high school class reunion coming up very soon. And I’m nothing if not conflicted. I have a feeling a few of you have been in my shoes. Ambivalent shoes. They’re kind of ill-fitting and pinchy. But also really cute.
Here’s the deal: Part of me is excited to see my old friends, to catch up, and maybe connect with people I didn’t get a chance to know very well in high school. People change. I know I sure did.
For me – high school wasn’t totally devoid of its good times. In fact, it was more fun than it was hellish. I was a band geek and somewhat nerdy, although I did my share of youthful experimentation – I could have been the inspiration for Lindsay Weir in “Freaks and Geeks”. And I really didn’t care what people thought. I did to a certain extent – just not to the point to where I was ever miserable because of it. For the most part, I think people saw me as quiet and shy (except for my close friends). Or “stuck up”. It’s strange how timidity and awkwardness appear on the outside. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m much more open and accepting, friendly and outgoing. I’m also a bit more outspoken. And passionate. Less likely and willing to put up with crap or to suffer fools gladly. I still don’t like confrontation but I won’t back away from one either, if necessary. I like myself and I’m comfortable in my own skin.
All that aside, I’m still conflicted about the prospect of seeing old friends and catching up, and maybe connecting with people I didn’t know very well. Some people really don’t change (that much). Or they’ve changed into someone I might not care to know. And since we’re not in high school, we’re not actually required to be around those people anymore, now are we? Another concern, which my husband brought to my attention, is this – are we going to see each other only as the high school versions of ourselves? In the minds of our former peers, are we forever stuck in those teenaged roles? Ugh. That’s a frightening prospect.
And of course, there’s the near-certainty of “digging up bones”. I am a firm believer that there are some things that should stay dead. Think “Pet Sematary”. I don’t know about you, but my high school self didn’t always make the best choices. That girl was immature, naive, way too trusting, and kind of clueless. But relatively speaking, for all those (now trivial) mistakes, I escaped no worse for the wear. Wiser, more experienced, and only out a few hundred dollars. Facing old demons while wearing a cocktail dress. Not really the way I choose to spend a Saturday night these days.
Social networking has thrown a whole new twist into the class reunion business. At my last reunion, there was no such thing as Facebook or MySpace. (There might have been, but I was too busy with a baby to realize it). But this time it’s different. Social networking brings about an entirely different set of issues. Once you “friend” someone, depending on how forthcoming they are with the details, the social network can be a minefield of TMI.
But it does allow us to see who has matured, blossomed, and grown and who hasn’t changed one little bit (arrested development, anyone?). Mean girls. Bullies. Your general asshats. All still present and accounted for. From experience, I know that Facebook is very much like high school, so I think I’m sufficiently primed for the reunion.
All things considered, I am excited about going. If for no other reason than to get dressed up and hang out with my BFFs. We don’t get to do that nearly often enough.
And if all else fails, I can always shuck the ambivalent shoes and morph into a slightly older version of Heather Mooney.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx3zWKx1d7g
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Q: What, exactly, is sexy? A: Music.
February, 2011
Note: I was working on this post in February of 2010. I was almost finished, and my cousin passed away. It didn’t seem appropriate to post it at that time. So now, as we near Valentine’s Day 2011, I’m going to go ahead and share. ~ mel
Last week (this was Feb. 2010), Billboard made a big to-do about its list of the 50 Sexiest Songs. Take a second to peruse this list. I’ll wait. I promise I’ll still be here when you get finished laughing. http://www.billboard.com/#/features/the-50-sexiest-songs-of-all-time-1004066338.story?tag=hpflash4
Okay, is it just me or do you also think this list must have been compiled by a group of 70 year old men AND 14 year old boys? Aside from the creep factor in that visual, it seems obvious to me that the panel was predominately male. Why else would songs that simply have the word “sex” in the title be included? And there are a lot of those on that list. And why, exactly, would Physical be #1? I can honestly say that song and the word “sexy” have never been within 10 feet of each other in my mind. I cannot comprehend it. Undoubtedly, the yahoos at Billboard don’t know from sexy. Glad I never dated one of those guys. It would not have ended well. It would have ended, though, trust me.
So I decided to compile my own list of “sexy” songs. During my process, Hubby and I talked about what songs should be included. One of his first comments was “Are those songs sexy or are they romantic?” BINGO! THAT, my dears, is the difference between MY list and the Billboard list. AND the KEY to EVERYTHING!! My dear husband stumbled upon what seems to be a huge secret to men throughout the world. To most women, “romantic” IS “sexy”. Duh! You’d think that would be a no-brainer. But when it comes to sexy, the brain is not the organ they’re hoping to engage. Too bad. So, maybe my list will be of some help to our romance-challenged brethren. I realize I’m going out on a limb here because in doing this I’m revealing an awful lot about myself. But what the hell. I’ll take one for the team. And if it enlightens even one guy, them my job is done. You’re welcome, folks.
Feel free to add your own selections in the comments section below.
In no particular order (except the top 13), I present to you…..drum roll please……
Mel’s Sexiest Songs…. (as of 2011)
I Think I Love You – David Cassidy (well, technically the Partridge Family, but who are we kidding. It was always all about David.): I chose this one because it is the first song I can remember that stirred up “those feelings”. I didn’t know what “those feelings” were at the time, but they were there, nonetheless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJYSu2OVCGM
Same goes for
She’s a Lady – Tom Jones. Or just about anything else he sings. He’s still got it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGs5Js7FVHo
Secondhand News – Fleetwood Mac : “Lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff….” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlzZlWQKlNY
Into The Night – Benny Mardones: Okay, this song conflicts me. I think this is a great song, although the lyrics are extremely creepy listening to them from adult perspective. I don’t think it would even be released today. It’s very atmospheric. And it reminds me of being 16. And not having a skeevy 40 year old man trying to seduce me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ5MM1EpFYU
Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield : “You know I feel so dirty when she starts talking cute; I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.” Smoking hot guitar hook and you gotta love a guy who introduces an obscure word into the national lexicon. Hubby learned and played this song for me when we were first dating. Oh, the things we do for love. (Caution – Rick is blazin’ hot in this video. Your computer might overheat.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYkbTyHXwbs
Chuck E’s In Love – Rickie Lee Jones – who hasn’t felt like Rickie Lee?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg1Ibt4xP7g
Strip – Adam Ant: playful and fun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyV2ud3MEYk
Jimmy Olsen’s Blues – The Spin Doctors ; “I gotta pocket full of Kryptonite.” The sci-fi geek in me LOVES these lyrics. Forget Superman, I’ve always had a thing for Jimmy, the nerdy underdog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrQCro68sRU
Something In The Way She Moves – James Taylor: J.T. has the voice of an angel. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbPdNcJaj2A
Same goes for Elvis Costello‘s Alison http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs6HbYit5-A My aim is true, indeed. These guys may not be young and beautiful, but they’re intelligent. And intelligence goes a long way in the sexy department.
A Little Less Conversation – Elvis Presley. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvlxRvhCB_A
Young E. was undeniably sexy.
You Belong to Me – the Jason Wade version: An old standard with some of the sweetest lyrics ever written. And Jason Wade’s voice is beautiful. So vulnerable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiK61Wq_jgo&feature=related
Somewhere Only We Know – Keane: soaring, sweeping, and lush.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oextk-If8HQ
SexyBack and LoveStoned – Justin Timberlake: Justin is just a hottie and these are great dance songs. “Mood music” at its best. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gOHvDP_vCs and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUuKvHHt8Sk Dayyuuummm…..
Bad Things – Jace Everet : This is the opening theme to “True Blood”. Nastysexy. These opening credits are fang-tastic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxINMuOgAu8
Ain’t No Other Man – Christina Aigulera
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x7Ta89QLo4
Come To My Window – Melissa Etheridge: Had me considering “switching teams” there for a while. I love Juliet Lewis. Love her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej8H926Hmaw
Wicked Game – Chris Issac: Sweet Fancy Moses, who doesn’t think this song is smoldering? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QF-v29K6f4&feature=related
Possession – Sarah Maclauglin: Lyrics taken from a psycho stalker fan letter. But Sarah turned it into a masterpiece. I will never, ever tire of this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucdnm8iU-5c
Kiss From a Rose – Seal: Remember the video? Ahhh…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU
Now for my Top Thirteen:
13. Could I Be Your Girl – Jann Arden: “I am ashes, I am Jesus, I am precious. Could I be your girl?” Some of the most brilliant lyrics ever written. I remember the first time I ever heard this song. Driving down I-24, listening to Lightning 100. Got to work and immediately called the station to find out who she was. I totally remember feeling exactly like this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc_oPIO_FaM
12. Kiss – Prince http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76RhkQSjj_k I guess the Duggars are right. Those syncopated “devil rhythms” make me want to do unholy things.
11. We’ll Be Together – Sting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYps5LfOaGg (those glasses used to drive me mad….)
10. Practical Amanda – Ben Folds/Nick Hornby (that intelligence thing again…. and cellos) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BkVyg9gRQ8
9. I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper: tortured and haunting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_clCVkHrrc&feature=related
8. Need You Tonight – NXS: Raw and animalistic. Michael Hutchence- what a waste.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLL7JdnIk0
7. Hard To Handle – The Black Crows: This song makes me want to light up a Marlboro Light, grab a Jack and Coke and hit the dance floor! (My “red” roots are showing!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtLbE3IUY2U
6. If – Janet Jackson – I wore this c.d. OUT. “But I’m not, so I can’t, and I won’t.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzkrWjUjDdQ
5. Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer – there is innocence about this song that I find sweet and charming. Reminds me of that initial phase of being in love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5EnGwXV_Pg
4. I Touch Myself – Divinyls: I honestly do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM
3. Can You Tell – Ra Ra Riot: These cute boys make me forget I’m a middle-aged woman. They are so (when I was young, cute, and single) my type. And again,cellos. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asY08yquddo
2. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel: We had this song at our wedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrzr4R3LpsQ
1. I’m On Fire – Bruce Springsteen: What can I say? “Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull, and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my skull.” Just watch and listen…… (John Sayles directed the video.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrpXArn3hII
I hope you enjoyed my list. Now you know WAY too much about me. And if I get any suspicious mix-tapes in the mail, I only have myself to blame. 🙂
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Friday, February 19, 2010
What a strange week this has been. Tuesday, I received the heartbreaking news that my eldest cousin, Darrell, had passed away. I’m still in shock. He was only 52 years old. Coming from a family where longevity is the rule, his death seems implausible, absurd. My grandmother passed away last year at the age of 95. While it is never easy to lose a loved one, her passing was not unexpected. And the funeral was an almost joyous occasion – a celebration of her long, full life. We knew she had finally gone home and were happy for her. But when death “skips a generation” and a child goes before a parent, (even if that child is an adult), it seems that the natural order is out of alignment.
It disrupts our sensibilities. It just seems wrong. Although he had some serious struggles in his life, they won’t define the Darrell I will remember. The Darrell I will remember was a gentle and kind person, regardless of what was going on in his life. The Darrell I knew had a soft-spoken, quiet demeanor. He was always there with a compliment. (He learned early on the best way to deal with the Pendley women.) He was handsome. And sweet. He was athletic. And smart. He loved his family. And he loved dogs. I don’t remember a time when he didn’t have a dog. That, in my book, is a basic element of what constitutes a good person. We never lived in the same town; never saw each other very often after we became adults. Years would pass, but when we were together – usually at a family event, he was always gracious and friendly. He always made a point of talking to me. I hope he knows how much he was loved. How much he will be missed. I hope his family can somehow find peace. My family said goodbye to him this evening – in their little church nestled in the mountains of North Carolina.
I wish I could have been with them. My heart aches for their loss. For our loss.
I wish I could offer some comfort, some wise words.
I wish I had known him better.
I wish I could have told him goodbye.
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Realistic Resolutions
January, 2011
Has it really only been a measly month since we were all presumably making those New Year’s resolutions? May I ask how many of them you have kept, even for a month? If you’re still at it, you’re better than I am. The reason I think resolutions are so hard to keep is that, for most of us, they’re simply unreasonable. Who is really going to work out seven days a week or subsist solely on celery and baked fish? Cut back on unnecessary spending? Eat at home more often? Uggh, not I. That’s why I’m officially proclaiming February 1st to be “Realistic Resolution Day”. A Realistic Resolution is rational, it makes sense, because it’s something you know you’re going to be able to uphold. A Realistic Resolution sets you up for success; therefore, it is good for your self-esteem. (Yay me! I did it!) Imagine the pride you’ll feel in having actually accomplished something. Here are some of my suggestions for “Realistic Resolutions” – “I resolve to be more sedentary this year”. (Give those joints a break, already. You’re not as young as you used to be.) Or “I’m going to try and gain just 5 more lbs. before I start freaking out about bathing suit season.” (Dammit, it’s cold out. Animals in the wild store fat for the winter, and what are we, if not animals?) How about resolving to watch more mindless television – that should be easy, what with the new season of Toddlers and Tiaras and all those Teen Mom reruns, and don’t forget Revenge. The choices there are seemingly endless. In the interest of a strong immune system, resolve to let your housework go just a little bit more. (Germs are good.) Also, eat out more – it stimulates the local economy, and if you don’t have to shop, cook, or do dishes, you’ll have more time to sit and watch t.v. (all those birds, one stone, people!) Here are some easy ones – Eat more dessert. Drink more beer. Now, if you really want to get serious, you could resolve to abolish your self-edit feature and say exactly what you think at all times, especially about politics and religion. (In all honesty, though, I know a lot of people who do that already.) There might be ramifications, but it could be a great way to alienate about 95% of your friends and family, especially if you’re a socialist liberal living the buckle of the Bible Belt (which I am). And possibly jeopardize your job (which, again, would give you more time for t.v., US Weekly and the like, etc., etc. – you’re welcome). One of my personal aspirations is to spend more money on clothes, shoes, and purses. That one is really difficult because of the issues I have finding clothes to fit my apparently freakish body, and that don’t make me look 1) like a teenage prostitute (seriously- thigh-high boots & skinny jeans – aka in Nashville as The Green Hills Uniform), 2) like my grandmother, circa 1985, or 3) like I’ve raided Bea Arthur’s closet (what the HELL is up with those long sweaters? Girls with a booty do NOT look attractive in those housecoats). Have you been to the mall lately? If you’re over 40, under 5’10” and over 95 lbs. – seriously, where do you shop? I’m at a loss. Because I live in Bellevue (the name sounds French, but I think must be Cherokee for “Land of Fast Food and Nail Salons”), I must drive at least half an hour just to get to a store that isn’t the equivalent of a picked-over yard sale. But all that drama renders my frivolous spending resolution nearly unreasonable. Too much work. So, in the spirit of Realistic Resolutions, I will be setting myself up for success. I’m going to resolve to watch every new episode of LOST at least three times, probably while partaking of cheap red wine and Cheez-its. I’m going to read every blog and participate in every on-line discussion of the show that I can lay my eyes on. I’m also going to read all the suggested “reference materials” that are alluded to in every Easter egg. That should get me through until about June. Which will be about the time I start thinking about bathing suit weather. Why get ahead of yourself?
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Focus, Schmocus
Okay, I know, I know……..I haven’t posted anything since late September. Here’s why – and there are several reasons. (excuses, excuses…..) First of all, I’ve been crazy busy. I started volunteering at my church, in the office. That turned out to be a nearly full time deal. Thankfully, it has since turned into a part-time paying gig, at least for now. The second reason – we’ve been private school shopping. In Nashville, unless you are literally made of money or never intend to retire, that means church-related schools. So, with potential admissions issues looming, I thought it might be a good idea if I kept my mouth shut for a while. Believe it or not, Nashville is a small town. Pissing people off on FaceBook is one thing, but I didn’t want to hurt Sassy’s chances of getting into the “right” school with some snarky, off-hand thing I had posted on this blog. I’m probably flattering myself thinking anyone would actually have read it But the”biggie”, the main reason was this – I felt like the blog had no focus and I didn’t know what direction to take. Although I’ve had this page for 3 years and had written some entries, I didn’t start actively posting until September, 2009. Labor Day weekend, I read an article about the film “Julie and Julia” and loved the idea of blogging about a cookbook. Julie blogged about cooking every recipe in Mastering The Art of French Cooking. Me, I was thinking I’d do White Trash Cooking by the late, great Ernest Matthew Mickler. Somehow, it seemed more “me”. (If you’re not familiar with this book, please do yourself a favor and seek it out. You will NOT be disappointed. And may I also recommend White Trash Cooking II: Recipes for Gatherins? Not only are the recipes delightful, but the stories are down-right hilarious.) But my blog didn’t come out that way – structured and focused. Doubt gripped me – I wrote about that. Then, “The Great FaceBook Incident of ’09” came about, so I wrote about that. All of a sudden my birthday happened, and isn’t there always drama around a family birthday celebration? I wrote about that. But then — the work thing, and the school thing. And life. They happened…whack, whack, whack. I just got flung to the four winds, scattered all over the place. I actually have several unfinished drafts on this very site. I couldn’t get them to congeal and I wasn’t taking the time to try. Having been a stay-at-home mom for over 10 years, my family and I needed time to acclimate to my re-entry into the work force. Although my laundry room might tell a different story, I think we finally have most of those kinks worked out. It was an adjustment to us all – my part-time work schedule. As far as Sassy’s school – we’re 99.9% sure we’ve made our decision. And we think it’s the right one – not just for her, but for all of us. (I won’t feel like I’m jeopardizing her academic future by the simple act of being myself…. whew…. 8 years is a long time to hold your tongue.) So at this point, there I was – itching to write and not doing it because of the “focus” thing. And that was causing me to feel guilty and unfulfilled. Like I was cheating on myself. Then, one night at dinner, I told Scott about my quandary — it wasn’t that I didn’t have things to write about – in fact, just the opposite – I always have a lot to say. The problem was that I felt that I had no direction, no cohesiveness. I had thought about writing about my family and friends (always a story in there somewhere), about movies (having dipped my big toe in film school, been “in the industry”, and an “amateur critic” for years), about t.v., books, and pop culture in general (endless material), or maybe even blogging about my own cooking adventures. Or slightly deeper things – like how I feel that, when I’m confronted with problems (largely unsolicited, mind you), I’m almost always compelled to help solve them, whether the help is welcome or not. (That can lead to some interesting situations, believe me.) Or I could write about what it’s like to be me. But at this point, I was feeling too flighty and capricious to write anything worth reading. So, in his simple and infinite wisdom, Scott said this: “Why do you have to have a focus? Being unfocused could be your focus. Write about it all.” So that’s what I’m going to do. Because that’s who I am. And maybe, just maybe, something interesting will come of my floundering. We shall see. In the meantime, I’m going to look at my well-worn copy of White Trash Cooking for a recipe to tell you about next time. Or I might write about LOST. Or how I hate to shop for jeans. Or why there are 300+ Silly Bandz scattered about myhouse.
I’ll just surprise us, okay?
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Happy Birthday To Me
(A short screenplay based on actual events)
September, 2010
INT. SUBURBAN HOME, MORNING.
MEL, a striking, exotically beautiful 40-something home-based mom is having her daily telephone conversation with a person who shall remain NAMELESS. MEL’s husband, THE DONALD, in working upstairs in his home office. SASSY, is their 9 year old genius of a daughter, is at school. MEL is walking around the house, doing chores as she talks on the phone- dishes, sweeping, picking up. The conversation is about MEL’s upcoming BIRTHDAY. We join the phone conversation in progress:
Nameless
So, what kind of cake do you want for your birthday?
Mel
Well, Sassy & I have been talking about a NY cheesecake – you know the kind you always used to make for me, the baked kind? Sassy has never had one.
Nameless
Cheesecake. Yuck.
Mel
(sigh…….) We want cheesecake.
Nameless
Well…..
A few minutes go by. We join the phone conversation at a different point.
Nameless
What do you want me to get you for your birthday?
Mel
I saw some cute ankle boots I’m thinking of getting. But they cost more than you usually spend for birthdays. You could just give me money to go toward them.
Nameless
I’m not giving you money to hoard. Is there any kind of picture for your house you want?
Camera pans to a large framed print in the entry hall.
Mel
Not without seeing it first. And I just bought one last week. You were with me when I first saw it.
Nameless
(silence, then) Where do you want to go out to eat?
Mel
I’m thinking Hanabi. We haven’t had sushi in a while.
Nameless
(silence, then) The Donald can take you there another time.
Mel
There really is no other time. We’re booked up this whole weekend and the next.
After that, it’s too late. My birthday is only one day.
Nameless
Well, I don’t like that ol’ food.
Mel
(sigh) whatever…..
Fade out.
Fade in to…
INT. A FEW DAYS LATER, MORNING
MEL is having another phone conversation with NAMELESS. MEL is sitting at the kitchen table looking at cookbooks.
Nameless
Have you decided where you want to go out to eat?
Mel
I have. Either sushi or thai. Hanabi or Jasmine.
Nameless
Thai? Is that like Chinese food?
Mel
Kind of. But better. Nicer.
Nameless
The kids won’t eat that.
Mel
Sassy will. She’s been eating it since she was a baby. She loves it. And the boys- one will eat anything, and the other eats nothing, no matter where we go. And I’m not catering to the kids.
If that’s the case, we might as well go to Chuck E. Cheese.
Nameless
I don’t like Japanese food.
Mel
I’ll make a note of that so we don’t get mixed up and accidentally go to a
Japanese restaurant on YOUR birthday.
Nameless
We didn’t go anywhere on my birthday.
Mel
Is that what this is about? You were sick on your birthday. We celebrated it later.
Nameless
We didn’t, not really.
Mel
Whatever. Here’s the deal. I don’t want barbecue, Italian, steak, or Mexican.
We eat that stuff all the time. I want sushi or thai. It’s supposed to be my choice. It’s MY birthday.
Nameless
(silence)
Fade out.
INT. SAME MORNING,
MEL sits at the kitchen table,staring into space, shaking her head, wondering how things as seemingly innocuous as a cake, a gift, and dinner plans can become such a big furry deal. Wondering how on earth she went from being the focus of birthday plans to feeling guilty & villainous because she honestly answered questions.
Mel
God, grant me the serenity……
Fade out
THE END
The Middle-Aged Ingenue 